I’m Just a dumb Miner – And you, you are literally a bloody wanker (NSFW)

So after I got put into what has been deemed as the kennels or dog box out at work because of the lack of organization, communication and being the busiest day of the working week at the mines.

The ‘dog box’ has a single bed, single cupboard a built-in desk with the chair replaced with an empty bar fridge shoved into a 6 foot x 9 foot cubicle.  At least it has aircon.  Well, when there are no dry lightning storms to take out a grid, we have air-conditioning.  15 minutes in one of these with a locked shut window, no fly screen door (to keep the bugs, snakes, wild board and pigs, kangaroos, spiders and thieves out while you sleep) without aircon results in an uncomfortably warm room.  Half hour will equate to a sauna and an hour and half will be that bad that people have packed.their rooms and slept in their cars under what.cover is available or simply just go home.  It’s that bad in summer storms out west in these dongas.

Luckily after the sauna power came back on with a few “woop!”s and a few “thank fuck for that” echoing down the ever noisy corridors.  A few nods of goodnight and an extinguish of cigarettes, the blokes returned inside at the late hours of the night.  A few remained outside finishing their conversations and coffin nails before retiring while I crawled into bed.  Within 5 minutes my neighbour returned from having a cold shower to cool himself down.  I haven’t spoken to him, don’t even know his name, don’t care to learn it to be honest.

I heard slight moans and groans. “What the hell is that?  No! Shit, he’s watching a porno at 11:30 at night.  We gotta get up in 5 bloody hours.” I thought

“Bugger it, I can usually sleep through anything.” I concluded, and I was off to entice myself in the land of nod.  That was until the room started shaking…”fuck that was a big blast” I thought to myself, but it kept going…”wait is this another bloody earthquake?”…  No it was too constant… “You got to fucking kidding me!”. I nearly screamed in my head in fury and disgust of the conclusion.  “The friggin cockhead is wanking like a bloody jack hammer.” The noise of the pornographic video and the shaking room caused by a masturbator that was probably creating a kinetic energy storm (seriously had to be ripping the first couple of layers of skin off), was nearly too much for me.  Breaking point was when he chorused in with the ladies of film.

“Fuck this!” I went outside to grab the earphones for the laptop from the car and to have a smoke or two just to give the neighbour some alone time with his artistic film.  A murmur echoed down the corridor where I was standing, the opposite end of the kennels. “Did he.just say “suck me baby?”…. What the fuck?”

John The Aussie

The neighbour two doors down opened his door and lit a cigarette and walked down to me.  “Can’t sleep either mate? Bad dream?” I asked the pissed off bloke, he smirked at the insinuation of the neighbour between us both.  “Sickening fucking dream joog.” He shook his head and looked down the corridor, turned his head to hear the next murmur roll down a little louder than the last.  “Stick it in her ass bitch.”

The bloke looked at me, “you gotta be bloody joking!”.  He threw his cigarette half-finished as three more doors opened, walked towards the man-made earthshaking room and knocked just before the words “nearly there, baby” were heard.

Knock, knock… “Fuck off!”

KNOCK, KNOCK… “I said fuck off”

As four more people exited their rooms the bloke two doors down closed his fist and slammed the door 3 times.  There are dents still in the door now.

Shuffling was heard, the tv turned off, the light of he room turned off from under the door and the door swung open with a fake tiredness voice and an irritated “what?” He was really trying to pretend he was asleep?

“Mate, keep it down, some of us have to work in the morning.”

“What? Wasn’t me… Check the other room.”

The bloke who knocked looked down towards the corridor the other way.  “Everyone else is outside wondering if you had another bloke in there with ya.  You two are making a hell of a noise.”

“Fuck off mate, I’ll have you all up for harassment.”

The bloke pulled out his phone and dialled a number, spoke a one way conversation that I missed because two other guys were chatting.  The bloke then called again, it was his supervisor and he was on his way (from 4 buildings down).

The neighbour looked both pissed off and worried.  He walked back into his room and started to pack very loudly which woke the rest of the kennel.  23 pissed off, tired, hot and sweaty miners wasn’t a welcoming sight for the supervisor and camp manager when they arrived.  The jerking neighbour was moved to a new room, where he promptly kept quiet.

—-

The next day a few of us on my crew were summoned to give our statements for the previous night.  Guess what the above paragraphs are… Besides a good laugh, they believe everyone else’s statement is a little more appropriate.  Although mine nearly matches word for word of the bloke who knocked.

John The Aussie

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~ by John the Aussie on January 22, 2012.

4 Responses to “I’m Just a dumb Miner – And you, you are literally a bloody wanker (NSFW)”

  1. O M G…lol that is all

  2. Even I have nothing to say to this!

  3. That was fantastic. 😀

  4. I would’ve started yelling into the building to spank my hairy ass and to take it like a man…chances are he would stop…

Go on, give us a yarn or two, mate.

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