The Rules of a Great Aussie BBQ
In the tradition of Australia day and our icon BBQ’ing I bring you a rule list imported from a great BBQ’ing site…
The Rules of Great BBQ
1. Never invite a Dickhead!
2. Never be a Dickhead!
3. Always make your own “Things on sticks”.
4. Never give-away your secrets! Make a trade, or at least get a couple of beers in return!
5. When in doubt; IMPROVISE!
6. Cook more than you could possibly eat.
7. Don’t let the vegetarian food contaminate the meat!
8. Don’t forget the booze!
9. Don’t forget the ice, or the bottle opener!
10. Always make it look easier than it is!
11. Always make it look more complex than it really is!
12. Wear an apron (but not a “girly” one!).
13. Check the internal temperature!
14. If something falls on the ground, put it straight back on the BBQ, but remember where it is so you can give it to someone you don’t like, or a small child. (use this rule if rule No 1 is broken by failure to enforce rule No 22)
15. Use every bowl, plate and implement in the house.
16. Know when you’ve “had enough” and have some more!
17. When cooking, appoint someone trustworthy (or attractive) to keep your glass topped up.
18. Delegate only to people you can trust.
19. Check the gas (or firewood/heatbead supply) before you start.
20. Don’t forget the “aeroguard”.
21. Always bite off more than you can chew and chew like hell! (Thanks to: W.C.Fields)
22. Never let anyone else “invite” someone to your BBQ!
23. Never have small children carry plates of anything you care about.
24. Clean the BBQ the next day (no later)
25. Never wash the dishes yourself. (use in conjunction with rule No 15)
26. Wear “cool” Shades.
27. Never BBQ in long pants, or long sleeves.
28. Position the BBQ so you can see everything.
29. Never let anyone take-over your BBQ see rule 58.
30. If someone says they like chilli, sock it to them big time!
31. Never hand out serviettes until the first person has dripped sauce on themselves. (Use in conjunction with rule 40….double points for first drip on a white shirt, triple for down the cleavage!).
32. If you haven’t got the stuff you need for a recipe, just make it up as you go along; think of a good name for your “new” invention.
33. Don’t tell anyone if you have just “invented” a recipe.
34. Make sure the cars are not parked neatly.
35. If you have caught, hunted or grown the thing you are cooking, only tell one person, but make sure they are the kind of person who will tell everyone else in the course of conversation. (see rule 18 )
36. Catching, hunting or growing your own food is better than buying it.
37. Butchers, Fishmongers and Greengrocers are better than supermarkets; “farm gate” trumps all of these!
38. Make sure your “best mate” doesn’t have to move his car to let out some whimp who wants to go home too early.
39. Never let it get down to the last beer.
40. Always make sure the dipping sauce is of a consistency that will drip off the dipette (technical term) onto the dipper.
41. Wash your hands Geoffrey!
42. Always “Rubbish” vegetarian food as “not real BBQ” but cook it better than the veggie at your BBQ can!
43. If you get burned, never let on you are in excruciating pain.
44. Always have an audience assembled before you “reveal” the finished cooked product.
45. The more toys you have, the more fun you are having!
46. Behave like you don’t know the audience is there.
47. Cook simple things that will “Knock em dead”!
48. Always know where the last beer is and make sure it is yours (remember rule number 8 and rule number 39 for next time).
49. Cook things most people wouldn’t dream of doing on a BBQ.
50. When you improvise a cooking procedure, act like it is something you do every day.
51. Never forget the salt and pepper.
52. Never cook food that needs salt and pepper.
53. Two BBQ’s are better than one! Three are better than Two, and so on!
54. Never lean on a BBQ, they are usually hot! See rule No 43.
55. Saying “we should get going too” because you have to shift your car to let some whimp out, makes you a whimp too!
56. Never BBQ in the nude. See rule No 43
57. It’s not necessary to put garlic in everything you cook, but why the hell not?
58. When you go to someone else’s house, take over their BBQ by always holding the tongs.
59. Always play with your food.
60. BBQ all year round.
61. Always get the fishmonger to throw the wrapped fish to you so you can claim legitimately that you “caught it”.
62. There is nothing “casual” about BBQ.
63. Never let the weather stop your BBQ.
64. Remember Backyard BBQ is a competitive sport, make sure your BBQ is better than the one you went to at your mates place last week!