ornithorhynchus paradoxus

Let’s Play A Game

Abandoned in the middle of the highway

Picture this…. I’m driving home just got past Inkerman on the way to Home Hill and here is a car stopped on my side of the road in the middle of a two-way highway. I slowed and overtook it with care (oncoming traffic and traffic behind me). I immediately threw the hazard lights on and did a u-bolt and drove back down and parked in a farm drive way. Thinking twice, I grabbed my work pocket knife and locked the car… C’mon, we’ve all heard the stories…

There was no driver. I called 112 (emergency mobile number) and spoke to the very helpful cop as I walked to the car “Hello Townsville Police Emergency Response” “G’day, there is a car parked in the middle of the Bruce Highway between Inkerman and Home Hill, I am wlking towards it now to attempt to push it off the road.”

“Okay, do have a rego number?”

“Hang-on I’m putting it in neutral” I found the keys missing, but windows down, sandals still on the floor of the drivers seat. Where the hell is the driver? “I’m pushing it off the highway now… Fuck Steering lock is set wrong…. Hang on.” “Excuse me? Is the…”

I put the phone in my top pocket and shoulder charged the cars front side… These new subaru’s are very light…. The wheels turned enough with the half inch movement of the front end, I picked up the phone “hopefully this works, the steering lock is on.”

“Is it safe to move the vehicle?”

“I’m wearing high vis and traffic is slowing down for me… But I can’t leave it on the road.”

“Okay, do you have the rego number”

“gimme a sec, still pushing, it isn’t a good angle…” 15 meters later…

“Okay I got the rego it’s ******”

“Is the car off the road? IS there any other hazards?”

“Nope, all good mate.”

“Can you see the driver?”

“Gimme a sec..” I look into the drains on either side of the road, look up and down the highway. “Nope, long gone, but there is a car pulling over.”

“Okay John, I will see if I can contact the driver, can I call you on this number?”

“Yup, no worries.”

The cop hangs up and that suspicious car pulls up with three blokes in it the driver asks very sternly in a thick Korean accent “Where is the driver?” (Well this is suspicious)

“Dunno, mate. The car was in the middle of the highway and I had to push it off the road, the cops are about to call me back after they contact him.”

“What were you doing to the car?” he asked very angrily

This time I explained slowly as I grew to my full height with chest semi puffed out… “The car was in the middle of the highway parked right in the lane… There was no driver, no keys, so I had to push the car off the road before there was an accident.”

“Where is the driver?”

“I don’t fucking know, he wasn’t here. The car was parked in the middle of the bloody highway and I pushed it off the bloody road before an accident happened.”

The passenger gets out quickly, and I was put on the back foot and pulled my puncy pocket knife. “No, No, I gotta check the car” he says, and decides to move around the back of the car instead of my way. I put the work knife back in my pocket, genuinely relaxed now as I see the driver a little shaken. “You called police?” in a friendly tone

“Yeah, mate…” I replied back just as friendly, “It is a reported incident and just in case the driver was hurt.”

The phone rings and I answer it. “Hello John this is ***** from Townsville police emergency response”

“g’day sir”

“I’ve contacted the driver, he is about 70 and says he is walking back with a battery now.”

“Okay mate, thanks for that, a car pulled up asking for the driver, the rego is *****.” I followed with a description of the drivers. The polite police man reckons “Covering all bases, eh John? Thankyou for you help and removing the car from the highway. The driver should be there soon.”

“You said he was walking back?”

“Yes.”

“I can see both ways for 50 clicks… There is no-one walking.” I remarked with concern

“I’m sorry John, but now that the hazard has been removed and the driver has been contacted and it seems there is people there waiting for him there. There isn’t an immediate emergency, no longer. We can follow this up, though.”

“nah, no need to press charges or anything, no-one probably stopped to pull over, I know there was 50 cars in front of me stuck at the last road works. But if a report is required you know how to contact me.”

“HA! Righto, John. Thankyou once again, and if we need to follow this up we’ll contact you. Thanks again.”

“See-ya”

I told the driver of the suspicious car the other driver was walking back with a battery and as I left him with a confused look across his mug I jumped in my car and started to drive off slowly to make sure I didn’t hit the passenger running across the road. The driver yells out “Thankyou, you are a very kind person.”

I nodded and waved and headed home.  That’s my good deed for the month.

Zombie Silhouettes is having a contest with a good sized package… Check it out.

Murphy’s Road Rules #030

Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules.  These weather conditions are God’s way ensuring a natural selection process for panel beaters, junkyards, and new vehicle sales. It is an acceptable practice to increase your speed in comparison to the rate of rain fall, i.e.: the harder it rains, the faster you go.

Urban Legend – Shy Guy

Another urban legend, a story told over and over again… This one is told in variations, in different bars and pubs around mine sites all over Australia…

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “NO! I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

 Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200..?!?!”

Aussie BBQ #2 (Happy Australia Day!)

In Australia we are about to enter the barbecue season, therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the barbecue, the following chain of events is put into motion:

Routine:

The woman buys the food.

The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes the dessert.

The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.

The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL

More routine:

The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:

THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN

More Routine:

The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

EVERYONE PRAISES THE MAN AND THANKS HIM FOR HIS COOKING EFFORTS.

The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off and upon seeing her annoyed reaction concludes that there is just no pleasing some women.

Now for some more Aussie songs:

For those curious, yes I can play the didgeridoo, but often I fail doing the circular breathing screwing up the song… I’ll explain later my experience with didgeridoo’s…

The Great Australia Day BBQ 2010

The mail order American husband, and his wife blocked by the Aussie Flag.

I have a friend who prefers to be called “Thisis Mygdamn Fullname” while on Facebook… He’s a good mate of mine who I met through my wife’s good friend.  He is also known as the mail order American husband…

We decided to hold a BBQ in his honor to ‘Australianize” him just a little more… Over the years he is bewildered and ashamed of many Aussie traditions (the latest being the Aussie innovated repair of the double pluggers)

This repair job was created Down Under and went global!

So when he arrived to my humble, yet messy and half complete abode, he was, well, not delighted but another similar to it…

We had steaks, chicken nibbles, beef sausages, chicken rissoles, chicken pasta salads, pavlova, Vegemite on crackers and more!!

We had Aussie branded cricket sets, flags, napkins, plates, rub on tattoo’s, Green and Gold Zinc block (Aussie sporting colours).

The day and night was a long event full of drunken fun, chatting, games, totem tennis, BBQ on the Weber and more…

Here’s some photo’s that remind us of what the hell happened that day…

The Mail Order American Husban, sporting his “I ‘heart’ Australia” tattoo

Sorting the kids out with the Aussie Cricket bat.. (okay not really, he just had it in his hand when his daughter fell over)

The crocodile and Koala Cookies baked at the last minute by my amazing domestic goddess…

Preparing the for the day, I pose for an iconic typical drongo photo…

The wife and I take a break from clearing tables before guests arrive.

The pavlova food fight, it got messier…

The Rules of a Great Aussie BBQ

The starter meat…

In the tradition of Australia day and our icon BBQ’ing I bring you a rule list imported from a great BBQ’ing site…

The Rules of Great BBQ

1. Never invite a Dickhead!
2. Never be a Dickhead!
3. Always make your own “Things on sticks”.
4. Never give-away your secrets! Make a trade, or at least get a couple of beers in return!
5. When in doubt; IMPROVISE!
6. Cook more than you could possibly eat.
7. Don’t let the vegetarian food contaminate the meat!
8. Don’t forget the booze!
9. Don’t forget the ice, or the bottle opener!
10. Always make it look easier than it is!
11. Always make it look more complex than it really is!
12. Wear an apron (but not a “girly” one!).
13. Check the internal temperature!
14. If something falls on the ground, put it straight back on the BBQ, but remember where it is so you can give it to someone you don’t like, or a small child. (use this rule if rule No 1 is broken by failure to enforce rule No 22)
15. Use every bowl, plate and implement in the house.
16. Know when you’ve “had enough” and have some more!
17. When cooking, appoint someone trustworthy (or attractive) to keep your glass topped up.
18. Delegate only to people you can trust.
19. Check the gas (or firewood/heatbead supply) before you start.
20. Don’t forget the “aeroguard”.
21. Always bite off more than you can chew and chew like hell! (Thanks to: W.C.Fields)
22. Never let anyone else “invite” someone to your BBQ!
23. Never have small children carry plates of anything you care about.
24. Clean the BBQ the next day (no later)
25. Never wash the dishes yourself. (use in conjunction with rule No 15)
26. Wear “cool” Shades.
27. Never BBQ in long pants, or long sleeves.
28. Position the BBQ so you can see everything.
29. Never let anyone take-over your BBQ see rule 58.
30. If someone says they like chilli, sock it to them big time!

One unspoken rule is that, if the lady is in her bikini, she has rights to the tongs

31. Never hand out serviettes until the first person has dripped sauce on themselves. (Use in conjunction with rule 40….double points for first drip on a white shirt, triple for down the cleavage!).
32. If you haven’t got the stuff you need for a recipe, just make it up as you go along; think of a good name for your “new” invention.
33. Don’t tell anyone if you have just “invented” a recipe.
34. Make sure the cars are not parked neatly.
35. If you have caught, hunted or grown the thing you are cooking, only tell one person, but make sure they are the kind of person who will tell everyone else in the course of conversation. (see rule 18 )
36. Catching, hunting or growing your own food is better than buying it.
37. Butchers, Fishmongers and Greengrocers are better than supermarkets; “farm gate” trumps all of these!
38. Make sure your “best mate” doesn’t have to move his car to let out some whimp who wants to go home too early.
39. Never let it get down to the last beer.
40. Always make sure the dipping sauce is of a consistency that will drip off the dipette (technical term) onto the dipper.
41. Wash your hands Geoffrey!
42. Always “Rubbish” vegetarian food as “not real BBQ” but cook it better than the veggie at your BBQ can!
43. If you get burned, never let on you are in excruciating pain.
44. Always have an audience assembled before you “reveal” the finished cooked product.
45. The more toys you have, the more fun you are having!
46. Behave like you don’t know the audience is there.
47. Cook simple things that will “Knock em dead”!
48. Always know where the last beer is and make sure it is yours (remember rule number 8 and rule number 39 for next time).
49. Cook things most people wouldn’t dream of doing on a BBQ.
50. When you improvise a cooking procedure, act like it is something you do every day.
51. Never forget the salt and pepper.
52. Never cook food that needs salt and pepper.
53. Two BBQ’s are better than one! Three are better than Two, and so on!
54. Never lean on a BBQ, they are usually hot! See rule No 43.
55. Saying “we should get going too” because you have to shift your car to let some whimp out, makes you a whimp too!
56. Never BBQ in the nude. See rule No 43
57. It’s not necessary to put garlic in everything you cook, but why the hell not?
58. When you go to someone else’s house, take over their BBQ by always holding the tongs.
59. Always play with your food.
60. BBQ all year round.
61. Always get the fishmonger to throw the wrapped fish to you so you can claim legitimately that you “caught it”.
62. There is nothing “casual” about BBQ.
63. Never let the weather stop your BBQ.
64. Remember Backyard BBQ is a competitive sport, make sure your BBQ is better than the one you went to at your mates place last week!

Cheers
Chris
http://www.aussiebbq.info/forum/viewtopic.php?t=124

‘Straya Day

On January the 26th, way back in 1788, the first settlement was established at Port Jackson (Sydney area).  This time each year Australians commemorates this day together in so many different ways.  Some families join together for a camping trip by a lake; some go to the local park to watch fireworks at night; some enjoy a meal at home with the family and many many many Australians pull a sickie over the weekend to get over the hangovers…

To kick off the  three day celebration, I offer this video as a tribute to the nations most honored day… or some bull like that…