The Great Australia Day BBQ 2010

•January 25, 2013 • 21 Comments
John The Aussie

The mail order American husband, and his wife blocked by the Aussie Flag.

I have a friend who prefers to be called “Thisis Mygdamn Fullname” while on Facebook… He’s a good mate of mine who I met through my wife’s good friend.  He is also known as the mail order American husband…

We decided to hold a BBQ in his honor to ‘Australianize” him just a little more… Over the years he is bewildered and ashamed of many Aussie traditions (the latest being the Aussie innovated repair of the double pluggers)

John The Aussie

This repair job was created Down Under and went global!

So when he arrived to my humble, yet messy and half complete abode, he was, well, not delighted but another similar to it…

We had steaks, chicken nibbles, beef sausages, chicken rissoles, chicken pasta salads, pavlova, Vegemite on crackers and more!!

We had Aussie branded cricket sets, flags, napkins, plates, rub on tattoo’s, Green and Gold Zinc block (Aussie sporting colours).

The day and night was a long event full of drunken fun, chatting, games, totem tennis, BBQ on the Weber and more…

Here’s some photo’s that remind us of what the hell happened that day…

John The Aussie

The Mail Order American Husban, sporting his “I ‘heart’ Australia” tattoo

John The Aussie

Sorting the kids out with the Aussie Cricket bat.. (okay not really, he just had it in his hand when his daughter fell over)

John The Aussie

The crocodile and Koala Cookies baked at the last minute by my amazing domestic goddess…

John The Aussie

Preparing the for the day, I pose for an iconic typical drongo photo…

John The Aussie

The wife and I take a break from clearing tables before guests arrive.

John The Aussie

The pavlova food fight, it got messier…

The Rules of a Great Aussie BBQ

•January 24, 2013 • 26 Comments
John The Aussie

The starter meat…

In the tradition of Australia day and our icon BBQ’ing I bring you a rule list imported from a great BBQ’ing site…

The Rules of Great BBQ

1. Never invite a Dickhead!
2. Never be a Dickhead!
3. Always make your own “Things on sticks”.
4. Never give-away your secrets! Make a trade, or at least get a couple of beers in return!
5. When in doubt; IMPROVISE!
6. Cook more than you could possibly eat.
7. Don’t let the vegetarian food contaminate the meat!
8. Don’t forget the booze!
9. Don’t forget the ice, or the bottle opener!
10. Always make it look easier than it is!
11. Always make it look more complex than it really is!
12. Wear an apron (but not a “girly” one!).
13. Check the internal temperature!
14. If something falls on the ground, put it straight back on the BBQ, but remember where it is so you can give it to someone you don’t like, or a small child. (use this rule if rule No 1 is broken by failure to enforce rule No 22)
15. Use every bowl, plate and implement in the house.
16. Know when you’ve “had enough” and have some more!
17. When cooking, appoint someone trustworthy (or attractive) to keep your glass topped up.
18. Delegate only to people you can trust.
19. Check the gas (or firewood/heatbead supply) before you start.
20. Don’t forget the “aeroguard”.
21. Always bite off more than you can chew and chew like hell! (Thanks to: W.C.Fields)
22. Never let anyone else “invite” someone to your BBQ!
23. Never have small children carry plates of anything you care about.
24. Clean the BBQ the next day (no later)
25. Never wash the dishes yourself. (use in conjunction with rule No 15)
26. Wear “cool” Shades.
27. Never BBQ in long pants, or long sleeves.
28. Position the BBQ so you can see everything.
29. Never let anyone take-over your BBQ see rule 58.
30. If someone says they like chilli, sock it to them big time!

John The Aussie

One unspoken rule is that, if the lady is in her bikini, she has rights to the tongs

31. Never hand out serviettes until the first person has dripped sauce on themselves. (Use in conjunction with rule 40….double points for first drip on a white shirt, triple for down the cleavage!).
32. If you haven’t got the stuff you need for a recipe, just make it up as you go along; think of a good name for your “new” invention.
33. Don’t tell anyone if you have just “invented” a recipe.
34. Make sure the cars are not parked neatly.
35. If you have caught, hunted or grown the thing you are cooking, only tell one person, but make sure they are the kind of person who will tell everyone else in the course of conversation. (see rule 18 )
36. Catching, hunting or growing your own food is better than buying it.
37. Butchers, Fishmongers and Greengrocers are better than supermarkets; “farm gate” trumps all of these!
38. Make sure your “best mate” doesn’t have to move his car to let out some whimp who wants to go home too early.
39. Never let it get down to the last beer.
40. Always make sure the dipping sauce is of a consistency that will drip off the dipette (technical term) onto the dipper.
41. Wash your hands Geoffrey!
42. Always “Rubbish” vegetarian food as “not real BBQ” but cook it better than the veggie at your BBQ can!
43. If you get burned, never let on you are in excruciating pain.
44. Always have an audience assembled before you “reveal” the finished cooked product.
45. The more toys you have, the more fun you are having!
46. Behave like you don’t know the audience is there.
47. Cook simple things that will “Knock em dead”!
48. Always know where the last beer is and make sure it is yours (remember rule number 8 and rule number 39 for next time).
49. Cook things most people wouldn’t dream of doing on a BBQ.
50. When you improvise a cooking procedure, act like it is something you do every day.
51. Never forget the salt and pepper.
52. Never cook food that needs salt and pepper.
53. Two BBQ’s are better than one! Three are better than Two, and so on!
54. Never lean on a BBQ, they are usually hot! See rule No 43.
55. Saying “we should get going too” because you have to shift your car to let some whimp out, makes you a whimp too!
56. Never BBQ in the nude. See rule No 43
57. It’s not necessary to put garlic in everything you cook, but why the hell not?
58. When you go to someone else’s house, take over their BBQ by always holding the tongs.
59. Always play with your food.
60. BBQ all year round.
61. Always get the fishmonger to throw the wrapped fish to you so you can claim legitimately that you “caught it”.
62. There is nothing “casual” about BBQ.
63. Never let the weather stop your BBQ.
64. Remember Backyard BBQ is a competitive sport, make sure your BBQ is better than the one you went to at your mates place last week!


‘Straya Day

•January 23, 2013 • 19 Comments

On January the 26th, way back in 1788, the first settlement was established at Port Jackson (Sydney area).  This time each year Australians commemorates this day together in so many different ways.  Some families join together for a camping trip by a lake; some go to the local park to watch fireworks at night; some enjoy a meal at home with the family and many many many Australians pull a sickie over the weekend to get over the hangovers…

To kick off the  three day celebration, I offer this video as a tribute to the nations most honored day… or some bull like that…

I’m Just a dumb Miner – whats your excuse? Keep it Simple, Stupid.

•January 16, 2013 • 22 Comments

John The Aussie


Benjamin Franklin hit the nail on the head when he said “The only way three people can keep a secret, if two of them are dead”

Some stories have absolutely no lead up – most of these were just a random question after a few minutes of silence (to break the ice?)  I’m the replier…

(At a shave for a cure at an old workplace) – Work Mate

– “Ever shaved you balls with clippers and left dotted red marks for pushing too hard? It hurts man.”

*Errrr, no.

“Yeah , me neither”

(Old Workplace) – Work Mate

– “If the there’s anything I learnt as a kid it was ‘Never play chicken blindfolded’.”

*That explains a few things……

(Workplace) – Shotcreter

– “Remember when you were a kid and you stuck a knife in the toaster and you had to do it a couple more times just to make sure it was the toaster?”

*No, show me how you did it.

He showed me…

(Old workplace) – Drunken Patron

– “I remember being so drunk one night I got my hand stuck in one of those pay phones. They tried X-raying it but the stupid doctor didn’t realize x-rays don’t go thru metal!”

*Stupid Dr? The one without a pay phone on his hand?

(Road Trip) Comrade

– “I wonder why kangaroo’s jump in from of cars.”

*Cause if they frolicked it would look a little gay

(Old work – office phone conversation) Stock Control Manager

– “I need some rods sent out ASAP, as in now. Where are you?

*I had the phone transferred to the underground crib room – the declines blocked and it doesn’t look like I will get out for a while – can the rods wait till next week?

“Yeah, that should be fine, just make…. Fucking what?”

(Old Workplace) Workmate

– “Remember hearing about Yowie’s? You don’t hear much about them these days. I wonder if they ended up being extinct?

*Nah bro, there’s a conservation in Northern Territory called Kakadu

“Yeah I heard of Kakadu”

(Workplace only Monday Gone (28th June 2010)) Driller

– “Some cock was trying to tell me there was an eclipse on the moon on the weekend – he took me outside and everything – I had to explain it was just a quarter moon – Fucking Idiots these days”

*Err dude there was one on Saturday night – and if it was a quarter moon – why was it a full moon the day before and day after? Fucking Idiots these days!

(Old Workplace) Workmate

– “John, do you sit down and work out a reply for everything, or do read it out of a book”

*Nah dude the chip in my head is programmed to make me do it.”


(Workplace) – Trainer trying to freak out the “New Guy”

– “Now a cave in hasn’t happened in a few months but your rescuer has only two hours of air. And sometimes the rescue can take up to 4 hours.

*That’s cool I’ll just beat the shit out of you until I get your rescuer as well.

“I was kidding mate”

*I know – but if there is a cave in, I advise you stay out of my sight.

(Workplace) Geo

– “Heard you were doing renovations on the weekend – wouldn’t of taken you as a “DIY-guy”. I would of taken you more of ‘Fuck-it call someone else guy”

*Nah man, I’m a” Fuck-it, it needs fixing, so do it-guy” – oh and I heard your missus broke her leg..

(Party at some random place) Some drunk bird

– “You have great hair – where do you get hair like that?”

*I cut it from my victims after luring them away from party’s – I’m hungry wanna goto macca’s?

“Okay, SHOTGUN!”


(Mates Place) – The mate, stoned

– “Dude, remember Astro Boy and his weapons – remember the laser that came out of his arse? I think I got one.”

Me – Why’s that?

“Cause the toilets blocked”

(Walking home from clubs) Drunk Mate

– “You ever thought about why we are here?”

*Yeah dude, we spent our cab money on sambuka

“No, I mean in this universe”

*Yeah, cause whoever our maker was was drunk on sambuka.

“You know what? It all makes sense now……….”

(Road Trip) – Comrade

– “I wonder who decided the lines had to be white?(referring to the road)”

*Would you prefer Pink?

“Nah man I was thinking a rainbow”

*I have a paintbrush and I can find helpers from the YMCA!

(Workplace) – Miner

– “He’s nothing but a dick”

*Oi – a dick is useful

“Oh yeah – well what do we call him?”

*A miner…

(work) contractor sent off site not long after…

Me – “Listen mate, the name stupid is reserved for stupid people. The name we reserve for you is derived from the Glasgow Coma Scale”

“I have no idea what you say half the time, you do know this right? So whats the name?”

*Persistent vegetative state.”

(Work) Quick mouth, but slow as workmate.

Me – I got a present from Santa – I thought I wouldn’t even make it to the lists.

Work mate – Yeah but for people like you, he’s got a “don’t ever fuck with them” list

Me – Makes sense

 (Work Mate)

*Wholly shit it’s 10:30 already! When did that happen?*

Me – “probably around 10:30”


(Work Mate)

“John do you seriously know everything”

“I’d be fucked in a superconductor plant, with time travel, knowing the order of the era’s, who napolean was married too, who jack the ripper was, if they really landed on the moon or not and I wouldn’t have a clue which boy you kissd first”

“Dude I’m not gay I’m married”

“So was Elton John”

“…Ya just Can’t argue with your Logic, can you?”

(Work Mate)

So we I’ve just sat down in the new office they had just built at work.  I look up and here’s this exit sign pointing to the wall…
One of the other contract boys walks in behind and says “Fail!”…. looks at me and without skipping a beat I say “Nah platform 9 and 3/4’s mate”

To which he replied “I don’t know what sadder you referencing it or me knowing what your talking about”

Murphy’s Road Rules #027

•January 13, 2013 • 22 Comments

You see this?

John The Aussie

This is a fucking pedestrian crossing! (Aka Zebra Crossing)

I don’t where the fuck you learnt to drive, but in Australia, it is the law to give way to pedestrians.  More so the area of the road with these white fucking stripes is designed to keep people randomly crossing the road causing you to stop wherever they decide to cross.

The law states (somewhat) “The (dimwitted, cockhead) driver approaching the (the obvious and glaring, well signed, and speed limited) pedestrian crossing must drive at a speed at which the driver can, if necessary, stop safely before the crossing. (Not slam the fucking brakes on hitting me in the fucking shins than proceed to yell at me as I approach your window and suddenly walk away while you attempt to wake up and have other drivers beep at you laughing their heads off as I limp off to the mess hall.  This is why I don’t fucking walk to the mess from my room).”

John The Aussie

Until next time…

•January 8, 2013 • 7 Comments

I think I need to start a campaign to get Meme’s New blog address… Being sweet doesn’t work.

•January 7, 2013 • 4 Comments

At least I now know where I stand in Meme’s eyes.

Check out the ditty Meme created about why she cannot force herself to unfollow