I’m Just a dumb Miner – whats your excuse? Keep it Simple, Stupid.

 

Benjamin Franklin hit the nail on the head when he said “The only way three people can keep a secret, if two of them are dead”

Some stories have absolutely no lead up – most of these were just a random question after a few minutes of silence (to break the ice?)  I’m the replier…

(At a shave for a cure at an old workplace) – Work Mate

– “Ever shaved you balls with clippers and left dotted red marks for pushing too hard? It hurts man.”

*Errrr, no.

“Yeah , me neither”

(Old Workplace) – Work Mate

– “If the there’s anything I learnt as a kid it was ‘Never play chicken blindfolded’.”

*That explains a few things……

(Workplace) – Shotcreter

– “Remember when you were a kid and you stuck a knife in the toaster and you had to do it a couple more times just to make sure it was the toaster?”

*No, show me how you did it.

He showed me…

(Old workplace) – Drunken Patron

– “I remember being so drunk one night I got my hand stuck in one of those pay phones. They tried X-raying it but the stupid doctor didn’t realize x-rays don’t go thru metal!”

*Stupid Dr? The one without a pay phone on his hand?

(Road Trip) Comrade

– “I wonder why kangaroo’s jump in from of cars.”

*Cause if they frolicked it would look a little gay

(Old work – office phone conversation) Stock Control Manager

– “I need some rods sent out ASAP, as in now. Where are you?

*I had the phone transferred to the underground crib room – the declines blocked and it doesn’t look like I will get out for a while – can the rods wait till next week?

“Yeah, that should be fine, just make…. Fucking what?”

(Old Workplace) Workmate

– “Remember hearing about Yowie’s? You don’t hear much about them these days. I wonder if they ended up being extinct?

*Nah bro, there’s a conservation in Northern Territory called Kakadu

“Yeah I heard of Kakadu”

(Workplace only Monday Gone (28th June 2010)) Driller

– “Some cock was trying to tell me there was an eclipse on the moon on the weekend – he took me outside and everything – I had to explain it was just a quarter moon – Fucking Idiots these days”

*Err dude there was one on Saturday night – and if it was a quarter moon – why was it a full moon the day before and day after? Fucking Idiots these days!

(Old Workplace) Workmate

– “John, do you sit down and work out a reply for everything, or do read it out of a book”

*Nah dude the chip in my head is programmed to make me do it.”

“SEE!!”

(Workplace) – Trainer trying to freak out the “New Guy”

– “Now a cave in hasn’t happened in a few months but your rescuer has only two hours of air. And sometimes the rescue can take up to 4 hours.

*That’s cool I’ll just beat the shit out of you until I get your rescuer as well.

“I was kidding mate”

*I know – but if there is a cave in, I advise you stay out of my sight.

(Workplace) Geo

– “Heard you were doing renovations on the weekend – wouldn’t of taken you as a “DIY-guy”. I would of taken you more of ‘Fuck-it call someone else guy”

*Nah man, I’m a” Fuck-it, it needs fixing, so do it-guy” – oh and I heard your missus broke her leg..

(Party at some random place) Some drunk bird

– “You have great hair – where do you get hair like that?”

*I cut it from my victims after luring them away from party’s – I’m hungry wanna goto macca’s?

“Okay, SHOTGUN!”

*FACEPALM*

(Mates Place) – The mate, stoned

– “Dude, remember Astro Boy and his weapons – remember the laser that came out of his arse? I think I got one.”

Me – Why’s that?

“Cause the toilets blocked”

(Walking home from clubs) Drunk Mate

– “You ever thought about why we are here?”

*Yeah dude, we spent our cab money on sambuka

“No, I mean in this universe”

*Yeah, cause whoever our maker was was drunk on sambuka.

“You know what? It all makes sense now……….”

(Road Trip) – Comrade

– “I wonder who decided the lines had to be white?(referring to the road)”

*Would you prefer Pink?

“Nah man I was thinking a rainbow”

*I have a paintbrush and I can find helpers from the YMCA!

(Workplace) – Miner

– “He’s nothing but a dick”

*Oi – a dick is useful

“Oh yeah – well what do we call him?”

*A miner…

(work) contractor sent off site not long after…

Me – “Listen mate, the name stupid is reserved for stupid people. The name we reserve for you is derived from the Glasgow Coma Scale”

“I have no idea what you say half the time, you do know this right? So whats the name?”

*Persistent vegetative state.”

(Work) Quick mouth, but slow as workmate.

Me – I got a present from Santa – I thought I wouldn’t even make it to the lists.

Work mate – Yeah but for people like you, he’s got a “don’t ever fuck with them” list

Me – Makes sense

 (Work Mate)

*Wholly shit it’s 10:30 already! When did that happen?*

Me – “probably around 10:30”

 

(Work Mate)

“John do you seriously know everything”

“I’d be fucked in a superconductor plant, with time travel, knowing the order of the era’s, who napolean was married too, who jack the ripper was, if they really landed on the moon or not and I wouldn’t have a clue which boy you kissd first”

“Dude I’m not gay I’m married”

“So was Elton John”

“…Ya just Can’t argue with your Logic, can you?”

(Work Mate)

So we I’ve just sat down in the new office they had just built at work.  I look up and here’s this exit sign pointing to the wall…
One of the other contract boys walks in behind and says “Fail!”…. looks at me and without skipping a beat I say “Nah platform 9 and 3/4’s mate”

To which he replied “I don’t know what sadder you referencing it or me knowing what your talking about”

~ by John the Aussie on January 16, 2013.