Dumb Chef: The Special… of the day is comedy???

Rude customers are a daily part of my job and are usually outnumbered by the nice customers. Some days the rude beacon must shine from the restaurant roof to guide them all here safely. The rude ones are generally also comedians (in their heads)

Me: Good afternoon, table for 2?

Customer: No, 2 tables for 1 which we can push together hahaha

Me: … (Not laughing)

Me: Would you like to take a seat?

Customer: Oh yes I need a new chair!

Customer walking into the empty restaurant: Oh my god! Do you have a seat? I can’t see through the crowds! hahaha

Me: …. (because we hear this EVERY day.)

Customer: I’ll have a large coffee and a small coffee

Me: The coffee comes in mugs, if you want a cup I can do a cafetiere

Customer: I want a cup of coffee

Me: The coffee is from a machine and I can’t alter the measure I’m sorry

Customer: Well simply pour half away and give it to me in a cup!

Me: Alright but I’ll have to charge you for a full mug.

Customer: But I’m only going to drink half!

Me: That’s your choice, I have to serve a full measure.

Customer: Just give me a mug.

A very busy shift:

Me: I’m sorry to have kept you waiting (for about 5 mins max) can I take your order?

Customer: Yeah three and a half weeks later.

Me:  …

This attitude is never going to get you good service.

At the till

Me: Was everything alright for you today?

Customer: No my coffee was horrible

Me: Oh, I’m sorry about that. What was the problem?

Customer: I didn’t like it. My teacake was horrible too. I don’t think I should pay for either.

Me: I’m very sorry you didn’t enjoy your food or drink here today but as you drank every drop of your coffee and ate every crumb of your teacake I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to pay.

Customer: But I didn’t like it!

Me: You ate it all.

Customer: I was hungry!

Me: I did come over to check everything was ok just after you were served, you didn’t have a complaint then.

Customer: Well… The first bit was ok.

Me: Next time if you’re not happy then just let us know at the time and we can try to help, but I can’t give away free food and drinks on quality grounds when you’ve eaten in all. £6.45 please.

Customer: How about we call it £3

Me: £6.45 please.

Customer: I want to speak to the manager.

Me: That would be me.

The customer paid and left.

~ by ukzombiekiller on November 6, 2011.

6 Responses to “Dumb Chef: The Special… of the day is comedy???”

  1. I am very, very glad I’ve never really worked service (unless you count those three disastrous days at Wendy’s)

    I used to work for a computer reseller, though, and we had customers who could make the Dalai Lama “lose it’!

    • I remember my hospitality days before goinf into full time labour. The Cafe, The sporting club, The nighclubs… Oh the humility of some and the deeds of other… and myself in the mix laughing at or joining in the young moments of my life…

      I like ukzombiekiller’s guest posts as it reminds me why I am no longer in the business

  2. Nice, honest and humorous, I work (once again after years away)in a restaurant so….yea…My advantage I don’t manage anything anymore so I can just say, “Yes of course sir I will get him” and be done with it..I also find it hilarious how often it’s a repeat customers. Every place a few regular “Whiners”, I mean, man, just don’t come in anymore…

  3. […] https://sleepinginsomniacs.wordpress.com/2011/11/06/dumb-chef-the-special-of-the-day-is-comedy/ […]

  4. Wrote up my experiences with this kind of thing, but it turned out to be a bit long. So posted it here: http://wildrantery.wordpress.com/2012/06/22/phrase-of-the-day-25-free-food-fraud/

Go on, give us a yarn or two, mate.

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