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Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God’s way ensuring a natural selection process for panel beaters, junkyards, and new vehicle sales. It is an acceptable practice to increase your speed in comparison to the rate of rain fall, i.e.: the harder it rains, the faster you go.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “NO! I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
In Australia we are about to enter the barbecue season, therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the barbecue, the following chain of events is put into motion:
Routine:
The woman buys the food.
The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes the dessert.
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
More routine:
The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again:
More Routine:
The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off and upon seeing her annoyed reaction concludes that there is just no pleasing some women.
Now for some more Aussie songs:
For those curious, yes I can play the didgeridoo, but often I fail doing the circular breathing screwing up the song… I’ll explain later my experience with didgeridoo’s…
The mail order American husband, and his wife blocked by the Aussie Flag.
I have a friend who prefers to be called “Thisis Mygdamn Fullname” while on Facebook… He’s a good mate of mine who I met through my wife’s good friend. He is also known as the mail order American husband…
We decided to hold a BBQ in his honor to ‘Australianize” him just a little more… Over the years he is bewildered and ashamed of many Aussie traditions (the latest being the Aussie innovated repair of the double pluggers)
This repair job was created Down Under and went global!
So when he arrived to my humble, yet messy and half complete abode, he was, well, not delighted but another similar to it…
We had steaks, chicken nibbles, beef sausages, chicken rissoles, chicken pasta salads, pavlova, Vegemite on crackers and more!!
We had Aussie branded cricket sets, flags, napkins, plates, rub on tattoo’s, Green and Gold Zinc block (Aussie sporting colours).
The day and night was a long event full of drunken fun, chatting, games, totem tennis, BBQ on the Weber and more…
Here’s some photo’s that remind us of what the hell happened that day…
The Mail Order American Husban, sporting his “I ‘heart’ Australia” tattoo
Sorting the kids out with the Aussie Cricket bat.. (okay not really, he just had it in his hand when his daughter fell over)
The crocodile and Koala Cookies baked at the last minute by my amazing domestic goddess…
Preparing the for the day, I pose for an iconic typical drongo photo…
The wife and I take a break from clearing tables before guests arrive.
The pavlova food fight, it got messier…
The starter meat…
In the tradition of Australia day and our icon BBQ’ing I bring you a rule list imported from a great BBQ’ing site…
The Rules of Great BBQ
1. Never invite a Dickhead!
2. Never be a Dickhead!
3. Always make your own “Things on sticks”.
4. Never give-away your secrets! Make a trade, or at least get a couple of beers in return!
5. When in doubt; IMPROVISE!
6. Cook more than you could possibly eat.
7. Don’t let the vegetarian food contaminate the meat!
8. Don’t forget the booze!
9. Don’t forget the ice, or the bottle opener!
10. Always make it look easier than it is!
11. Always make it look more complex than it really is!
12. Wear an apron (but not a “girly” one!).
13. Check the internal temperature!
14. If something falls on the ground, put it straight back on the BBQ, but remember where it is so you can give it to someone you don’t like, or a small child. (use this rule if rule No 1 is broken by failure to enforce rule No 22)
15. Use every bowl, plate and implement in the house.
16. Know when you’ve “had enough” and have some more!
17. When cooking, appoint someone trustworthy (or attractive) to keep your glass topped up.
18. Delegate only to people you can trust.
19. Check the gas (or firewood/heatbead supply) before you start.
20. Don’t forget the “aeroguard”.
21. Always bite off more than you can chew and chew like hell! (Thanks to: W.C.Fields)
22. Never let anyone else “invite” someone to your BBQ!
23. Never have small children carry plates of anything you care about.
24. Clean the BBQ the next day (no later)
25. Never wash the dishes yourself. (use in conjunction with rule No 15)
26. Wear “cool” Shades.
27. Never BBQ in long pants, or long sleeves.
28. Position the BBQ so you can see everything.
29. Never let anyone take-over your BBQ see rule 58.
30. If someone says they like chilli, sock it to them big time!One unspoken rule is that, if the lady is in her bikini, she has rights to the tongs
31. Never hand out serviettes until the first person has dripped sauce on themselves. (Use in conjunction with rule 40….double points for first drip on a white shirt, triple for down the cleavage!).
32. If you haven’t got the stuff you need for a recipe, just make it up as you go along; think of a good name for your “new” invention.
33. Don’t tell anyone if you have just “invented” a recipe.
34. Make sure the cars are not parked neatly.
35. If you have caught, hunted or grown the thing you are cooking, only tell one person, but make sure they are the kind of person who will tell everyone else in the course of conversation. (see rule 18 )
36. Catching, hunting or growing your own food is better than buying it.
37. Butchers, Fishmongers and Greengrocers are better than supermarkets; “farm gate” trumps all of these!
38. Make sure your “best mate” doesn’t have to move his car to let out some whimp who wants to go home too early.
39. Never let it get down to the last beer.
40. Always make sure the dipping sauce is of a consistency that will drip off the dipette (technical term) onto the dipper.
41. Wash your hands Geoffrey!
42. Always “Rubbish” vegetarian food as “not real BBQ” but cook it better than the veggie at your BBQ can!
43. If you get burned, never let on you are in excruciating pain.
44. Always have an audience assembled before you “reveal” the finished cooked product.
45. The more toys you have, the more fun you are having!
46. Behave like you don’t know the audience is there.
47. Cook simple things that will “Knock em dead”!
48. Always know where the last beer is and make sure it is yours (remember rule number 8 and rule number 39 for next time).
49. Cook things most people wouldn’t dream of doing on a BBQ.
50. When you improvise a cooking procedure, act like it is something you do every day.
51. Never forget the salt and pepper.
52. Never cook food that needs salt and pepper.
53. Two BBQ’s are better than one! Three are better than Two, and so on!
54. Never lean on a BBQ, they are usually hot! See rule No 43.
55. Saying “we should get going too” because you have to shift your car to let some whimp out, makes you a whimp too!
56. Never BBQ in the nude. See rule No 43
57. It’s not necessary to put garlic in everything you cook, but why the hell not?
58. When you go to someone else’s house, take over their BBQ by always holding the tongs.
59. Always play with your food.
60. BBQ all year round.
61. Always get the fishmonger to throw the wrapped fish to you so you can claim legitimately that you “caught it”.
62. There is nothing “casual” about BBQ.
63. Never let the weather stop your BBQ.
64. Remember Backyard BBQ is a competitive sport, make sure your BBQ is better than the one you went to at your mates place last week!Cheers
Chris
